When someone close to you is grieving – loss of a partner, child, sibling, parent – it can be hard to know what to say and do. You might be worried about saying the wrong thing or making them upset. You can start by saying, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” Almost no one knows the right thing to say or do. But what’s most important is letting your person know that you are here for him or her.
It’s so simple.
Show up. Show up. And show up again.
Just keep showing up.
This is not about you. It’s about the person grieving.
They need you to listen.
So start by saying, “I’m so happy to see you. What can I do for you?” Then be quiet and listen. And just stay quiet until they tell you. You might think you know what they need, but you don’t. So listen. And when they tell you what they need, just go do it. (It’s hard to ask for help when you are grieving, but it really does take a community of support.)
If they say, “I don’t even know”. That’s a common response. Come prepared with 3 things you can do. ie: Pick up dinner. Watch the kids for an hour. Run an errand. See if any of your offers resonate for them.
They might need to cry, laugh, vent, go for a walk. They’ll let you know. Let them drive the mood.
When my husband died, my neighbors asked what they could do. I was 9 months pregnant and had a 1yo. And I was hungry. So my neighbors took turns bringing me dinner every weekend. My best friend and later my mom, moved in so I didn’t have to sleep in a house alone every night. My dad promised me that I would be okay and that my boys would be okay. My sister let me cry in her arms every night. My sister-in-law wrote thank you notes to everyone, so I didn’t have to. Another friend went grocery shopping with me, so she could be my voice and I didn’t have to talk to anyone. My brother or my brother-in-law went to every legal meeting with me, because I couldn’t deal. My girlfriends threw me a baby shower that was them unpacking all the boxes at our new house. Then they gathered funds to get meals delivered to my house after the baby was born.
After the immediate influx of support slowed down, I felt alone. That’s when consistent support really counted. A girlfriend called me every week until I started answering the phone. Now we talk twice a month and encourage each other. We acknowledge our struggles, celebrate our successes, discuss our dreams, and decide on action to move towards those dreams. Another friend showed up every Saturday night with dinner and held my newborn.
So don’t forget about your friends or family after the first few months of grief. For most people, the second year is harder than the first. The first year, you are in shock and the second year, reality sets in. Checking in means so much to the grieving. And grief never goes away, the pain lessens and is replaced by more joys. But loss is always there. So any support you offer, is appreciated beyond what you can imagine.
Those people who showed up during my first year, are the reason I survived. That and me deciding to show up every day for myself. Every day I woke up and loved on my babies. I moved my body every day. I showed up at my therapists office every week. I ended every day writing in my gratitude journal. I took thousands of baby steps towards where I am today. And my life today is better than I ever could have imagined.
